CHANCES:

That you’re within X feet of a Starbucks at any given moment, where X equals:

Less than 100 feet – 14%

101 to 500 feet – 64%

501 to 1000 feet – 12%

1001 to 30,000 feet – 9.97%

Over 30,000 feet – the .03% who are reading this on an airplane

CHANCES:

That you’ll be famous for 15 minutes – 44%

That it won’t be for anything good – 91%

CHANCES:

That you’ll get hit in the head by a falling:

Coconut – 2%

Kumquat - .7%

Star - .00003%

B-list star – 1%

Piano – 4%

Piano, if you are a cartoon character – 26%

CHANCES:

That you can find a matching lid to your Tupperware container - 30%

That if you can’t you’ll dump the leftovers into another container with a lid – 25%

That you’ll just put plastic wrap over it – 75%

That you’ll throw it out untouched in a week anyway – 92%

CHANCES:

That you’ll cut yourself shaving – 29%

That you’ll cut yourself shaving someone else – 24%

CHANCES:

That you get the day off on President’s Day – 53%

That you get the day off if you are a president – 4%

That you get the day off if you are the President – 0%

That you get the day off if you are the Vice-President – 84%...if it’s a Monday? – 100%

CHANCES:

That when you can’t connect to the internet it’s the fault of:

Your computer – 6%

Your router – 4%

Your ISP – 11%

The wind blowing in the wrong direction – 19%

The magical atoms aren’t functioning according to physics – 60%

CHANCES:

That you’ll mix up your own children’s names - 96%

That you hated it when your parents did that to you and your siblings – 96%

That you’ve apologized to your parents for getting angry with them over it – 0%

CHANCES:

That a woman will be convinced to have sex on Valentine’s Day because you got her:

A card – 1%

A suggestive card – .1%

A musical, suggestive card – .2%

A giant, oversize, romantic card – 1.4%

Chocolate – 3%

A nice dinner – 12%

George Clooney – 94%

CHANCES:

That you’ll miss filling in a box required when purchasing something online – 68%

That when you get sent back to the page to fill out the missing info, it will automatically delete other info, which you won’t notice you have to refill, so you’ll get sent back to the same page a third time – 86%

That after 5 attempts you’ll still want the item you were trying to purchase – 11%

CHANCES:

That there will be a hair in your sandwich  – 8%

That the hair in the sandwich is your hair – 3%

That you’ll take it out and still eat the sandwich; Men – 68%, Women – 22%

CHANCES:

That at some point during the day you’ll feel like a complete idiot – 82%

That at some point during the week you’ll feel like a complete idiot – 92%

That you are a complete idiot – 23%

That you are a partial idiot – 71%

CHANCES:

That your credit card company will call in any given month suspecting fraud – 57%

That you’ll recognize the charges as yours – 15%

That you’ll clearly realize it is fraud – 15%

That you’ll need to check, because it’s possible that you or your spouse did buy all that – 70%

That when you realize it was you, you’ll have a serious discussion about curbing your spending – 80%

That anything will change – 2%

CHANCES:

That you preferred the ads to the game – 34%

That you preferred Madonna to the ads – 11%

That you preferred the party food to Madonna – 83%

That you preferred the gambling to the food – 53%

That you’re not sure what football has to do with the Super Bowl – 77%

CHANCES:

That in a call with your internet provider to sign you up to get your system working faster they will tell you to hold on as “our computers are working slowly today” - 40%
That when you point out that bit of irony, the customer service person will appreciate the humor – 6%

CHANCES:

That if the groundhog sees it shadow we’ll have 6 more weeks:

Of Winter – 20%

Of unusually mild weather – 10%

Of Autumn, but not until late September – 25%

Of February – 1%

Until the Ides of March – 97%

CHANCES:

That a call on the land line anymore is from:

A solicitor – 21%

A charity –  29%

An immediate relative – 31%

A wrong number –  18%

Someone you want to hear from – 1%

That that 1% chance is keeping you from getting rid of the line – 82%