CHANCES:

That with the warmer weather you’re sleeping with windows open – 82%

That you forgot that open windows tend to blow bedroom doors open and shut through the night – 77%

That you remembered at 2:00 AM with a loud bang – 77%

That you bothered to get out of bed to solve the problem on the first bang – 19%

That it took until the fifth time before you got out of bed to fix it – 81%

That you wonder why you seem to be more tired in the summertime – 68%

CHANCES:

That the restaurant will have your reservation – 84%

That you’ll have to wait for a table anyway – 35%

That people who came in after you will get seated before you – 41%

That when you finally get seated the waiter will bring a free appetizer to appease you – 29%

That it will be something you wouldn’t have wanted anyway – 93%

That you won’t look close enough at the bill to realize they charged you for it – 66%

CHANCES:

That the so-called “humanely raised chicken” you buy at the market will have gotten:

Vacations – 2%

A Pension - .003%

Health insurance – 0%

Bathroom Breaks – 0%

To die of old age – 0%

To question the term humane – 94% (though not publicly)

CHANCES:

That a vending machine dispensed the item you selected – 73%

That it dispensed the item next to the one you wanted – 26%

That your item got stuck somewhere on the way down – 19%

That even without actually getting your item, it was worth a buck just to watch the machine whirr – 53%

CHANCES:

That you’ll pull up close enough to the ATM to easily access it – 53%

That you’ll be leaning out the window far enough that you could fall out – 12%

That you’ll have to open your door and walk to the ATM from where you stopped – 19%

That you’ll back up, realign and knock your side view mirror off in the process – 11%

That going in to the bank would save time, effort and fuel – 91%

That you’ll do that next time – 3%

CHANCES:

That you will find a dead mouse in the trap you set in the morning – 72%

That you’ll find a live one, only wounded – 14%

That you’ll try to figure out some way to put it out of its misery – 4%

That unless you have a gun you won’t be able to do anything – 88%

That you’ll bandage it up and set it free – 0%

That you’ll shut the drawer and hope it’s dead by the next day and in the meantime say you’re keeping him there as a warning for the other mice – 43%

CHANCES:

That on your phone mail outgoing recording you will sound inappropriately loud or confused – 66%

That that is how you normally sound – 40%

CHANCES:

That the bag of chips you bought at the store will make it home without getting completely eaten – 50%


That it will make it to the checkout line without getting opened – 20%

CHANCES:

That there is a God – 50%


That you’ll say there is a God, right after sex or when your team wins the World Series – 94%

CHANCES:

That, medical procedures aside, you can get pregnant without having sex – 0%


That it can happen If you believe in the virgin birth story - .0000000000000000001%


That some girl is out there trying to convince her parents that that’s what happened to her – 100%

CHANCES:

That when someone asks if you’ve already heard this one, you have – 92%

That you remember the punchline – 8%

That it’s a punchline worth remembering – .1%

That you'll chuckle and pretend it was funny - 24%